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This
Isn't Really Dragon Ball…Is It?
by Joe "Satoshi"
Walker
Originally
Posted: 3 April 2000
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I have
a lot of opinions on Dragon Ball (hell, I've probably written
a half dozen articles and editorials about it in my school
newspaper). When I stumbled on this site back when it was
"VegettoEX's Homepage" (I even gave him a free plug in my
column in said newspaper...then he changed the address!)
I found a section of his site refreshing and interesting.
Not the music, not the FAQ, not even the movie clips. It
was the editorials. I figured it's high time I wrote one.
Let
me start off by saying I love Dragon Ball. I think it's
the coolest thing ever. The characters, emotions, music
and battles all make it a step above all other anime. I've
been watching DB for about six years now (I'm 16) and I
will never forget the first episode I ever saw. My friend
invited me over and his borther and his friends were watching
some cartoon in Japanese. Some guy with yellow hair (Son
Gokou) and a green spotted dude (Cell) were fighting and
it looked really cool.
"What's
this?" I asked.
"Dragon
Ball Z," he replied. From then on I was hooked.
When I first heard the word that DBZ was going to be on
American television, I was as giddy as a schoolgirl. I called
all my friends who would care (one!) and got ready to wake
up early the next morning and watch the anime I loved so
much, except in my native language.
It came on. Theme song started ("What the hell? Where's
'Cha-La Head-Cha-La?'"). Narrator explains last episode
("Hmmm..."). Gokou talks ("Holy shit! Where'd they find
this guy?") One by one, the characters all reveal their
voices ("Gohan...all right. Kuririn...please shoot me!").
They fight a guy named "Turlis" ("Funny, I always thought
it was Taurus,"). I watched the episode, then I turn off
the TV and think. I slowly realize that the little known
anime that I fell in love with would slowly become pop culture
and destroy itself.
To
be fair, FUNimation doesn't do a bad job with their dubs.
But they sure as hell ain't doing a good job! They basically
took the advice of us purists to translate the show, then
turned their backs on us. I feel cheated. DBZ was raped,
beaten to death, raped again and thrown into a ditch. FUNi
took a mature anime filled to the brim with emotion and
plot loops and turned it into another Power Rangers. DBZ
is emotion, not a bunch of sequential battles to entertain
a bunch of hyperactive 12-year-olds.
They
butchered the dialogue to pieces. I understand how words
like "shit" "damn" and "hell" (or is it HFIL?) can't be
on US TV, but I've also read Viz's comics, where they replace
"shitless" and "dumbass" to "spitless" and "dumb-butt."
I know it's cheesy, but it's better than what they got going
now. When the hell would Freeza, the most vile, low-down,
yet disgustingly polite creature in the universe say "Whatever
turns you on, big boy"? Recuumu of the Ginyu Tosentai was
not a lumbering idiot; he and the rest of the crew actually
mock Vegeta the whole fight. "My name is Recuum, it rhymes
with doom, and you'll be hurting all too soon." I actually
felt a little sick after hearing that.
Second,
the emotion was completely taken out. When Yamucha was killed
by the Saibamen, Kuririn didn't cry at a pile of dirt. He
sat over his friend's lifeless body, overcome with sadness
that his friend had known this would happen and had sacrificed
himself. I don't even wanna know what'll happen when we
finally see Trunks' flashback in the plane when Gokou is
dying of heart disease.
I
also have to put up with people wearing DBZ shirts every
day and swear they're experts, but when I approach them
and say "Tell me who Majin-Boo is," they look at me like
I'm a psycho. Freeza is not a woman, we do get to see Gokou's
father, Gohan is not Gokou's only son, and Trunks is indeed
the son of Vegeta, and Bulma does indeed marry the prince
of the Saiyajins. Also, Piccolo had never even BEEN to Namek
before the Freeza battle, so how could he have been born
there?
Also,
the toys. Kuririn. Machine gun. 'Nuff said.
It
felt good to get all this out. I know FUNimation will never
even read this, but if they ever do, please take this into
consideration: We purists wanted DBZ here in the first place.
It is not a kid's cartoon, nor was it ever meant to be.
You can't "Americanize" art and still expect it to retain
its charm. Please, FUNi, let me stop being embarassed to
say I watch Dragon Ball Z. I'm sure there are thousands
out there with the same plea as me.
"What
the hell? This isn't Dragon Ball Z!" -My good friend Jasón
Wittwer-Archuleta
Contact: Satoshi@DBZMail.com
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